“Ten minutes.” — Echo of Silence from Lilah’s POV, installment #2

Here is another installment of Echo of Silence scenes from Lilah’s POV.

“Put a team together and get on it,” I told Pritchard. “Just keep me updated, and let me know if you need my help.”
“What am I, chopped liver?” Karlton demanded.
I cut my eyes to him, locking onto his gaze. His face was full of challenge and arrogance. This little fucker seriously needed taken down a peg or ten.
“Agent Pritchard, can you leave us alone for a moment so we can talk?” I asked, my eyes not leaving Rob’s.
Jason hesitated, glancing at Rob. When we said nothing, he left the office and shut the door.
“Wow, but we just met,” Karlton quipped.
Oh my god…Ten minutes. That’s all it would take — ten minutes alone with the cocky little shit head… If only.
“You just think you’re Mister Hot Shot, don’t you?” I asked. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, remaining silent.
Sitting down, I leaned back in my chair, studying him for a long moment, assessing him. He was good looking; I’d give him that much. He was rocking that suit pretty well and something told me he probably looked pretty damn good out of it. But that smug smile that never seemed to leave his fucking face… ugh. No. His shit wasn’t going to fly with me, and he needed to figure that out asap.
“Robert Karlton,” I said. “University of Pennsylvania graduate with a degree in criminal justice, law school drop-out, Pittsburgh uniform for a little over a year before joining the FBI. You’ve been with the Bureau for less than four years and already you’ve managed to fuck it up.”
“Congratulations,” he said dryly. “Would you like a cookie?”
I smiled slowly. “I know who you are and I know your reputation.”
“Darn, and here I had hoped you’d go out with me.”
“Oh, that wasn’t the reputation I was referring, although I’ve heard about that one too. I was thinking more along the lines of Carlos Rodriguez.”
His face flushed white and then red in two seconds flat as his jaw tightened.
“You have no right to talk about that,” he spat out.
“Fine,” I said. “We won’t talk about it. Let’s talk about this – I’ve heard about the crap you’re allowed to get away with around here. Don’t expect it to continue.”
“Are you always this pleasant or is it just me?”
“I’m always this pleasant.”
“Good to know.”
“Go meet up with Jason,” I said, sitting upright.
Rob audibly exhaled. May have been a little mean, but at least he wasn’t wearing that insolent little smile anymore. “So does that mean I’m allowed on this case?”
“That’s Jason’s decision. But if he chooses to put you on his team, you’ll be his responsibility.”
“I’d rather be your responsibility,” he retorted.
Oh, kid…you have no idea who you’re talking to. “Be careful what you wish for.”

Echo of Silence, Lilah’s introduction, from her POV

I have been contemplating for a while writing some key scenes from Echo of Silence in Lilah’s POV, or even some extra scenes to kind of get a feel for what was going on for her during the time when she first moved to Cleveland. This does not warrant a whole book and honestly I would feel lame re-writing an entire book from a different character’s POV. BUT, writing short scenes that I can share with my wonderful readers on my blog, that is something else entirely. 🙂

The first scene to write was an obvious choice. What exactly was going through Lilah’s head during her introduction to us all? I’m sure we remember the scene well. It includes what may possibly be one of the best lines in the series, that sums up Rob and Lilah’s future relationship pretty well. So here it is, Lilah’s introduction to the world from Echo of Silence, told from her POV.

 

This morning sucked. The paperwork that had been accumulated by the previous Supervisory Special Agent, who apparently didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground, was astounding. My head felt like it was going to implode and all I wanted to do was grab my lunch bag and get some food in me before my stomach ate itself.
The break room seemed as though it were rarely used. There were three guys hanging out in there as I walked in. I had met two of them during the meeting this morning but didn’t recognize the third. The unknown guy’s eyes followed me as I headed toward the fridge. Seriously? It was my first day and I was already dealing with this shit? I was so not in the mood. When I leaned over to grab my bag, I could feel eyes on me. I knew, I just knew, it was him.
“You can stop staring at my ass anytime now,” I said sharply. When there was no response, I stood and turned around. Sure enough, it was him. He did not look at all shocked to have been caught. In fact, he looked kind of smug. He was young, probably about twenty-seven or so. He was attractive enough. He was tall and well built, with hazel eyes and short sandy brown hair. The attraction was somewhat taken away by the cocky smile on his face that made me want to slap him.
“You’ve got a nice ass,” he retorted, unashamed.
“I’m aware of that,” I said. “But you don’t have to stare at it like it’s your lunch.”
“You’re the one who bent over in front of three guys.”
“I didn’t know I couldn’t retrieve my lunch bag out of the bottom of the fridge without being ogled,” I said without missing a beat. “If you’re going to stare, you could at least be subtle about it, like those two.”
He glanced back at the other two gentlemen, who had quite obviously also been staring at my ass, but were doing so while flipping through a car magazine that had been left on the table.
“Where’s the fun in that?” he asked, turning back to face me.
I nodded. My eyes dropped down to his name tag. Special Agent Rob Karlton. That name had been on the violent crimes unit roster I had glanced at earlier. Super fan-fucking-tastic; he worked in my unit. Ugh. When I met his eyes, they were not in line with mine. I couldn’t give two shits if someone checked me out but don’t be blatantly disrespectful about it. “Stop staring at my ass and stop looking at my tits,” I snarled. “My eyes are up here.”
“Or what, you’ll report me?” he challenged, a little too cocky for his own good.
The two behind him visibly cringed.
He didn’t know who I was…. Slowly, I felt a smirk play across my lips. “I wouldn’t bother,” I said. “I’d write you up myself.”
“Hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but you don’t have that kind of power.”
This kid was going to be the death of me. I could feel it already. “Oh, you’d be surprised the kind of power I have.”
“Just who in the hell do you think you are?” he demanded.
“Supervisory Special Agent Lilah Matthews,” I replied smoothly. “You can call me boss.” And with that, I walked out, but thankfully not before I got to take in his stunned, slack-jawed look.
Huh. Maybe this place wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Down the rabbit hole

There is no denying the undertones that run throughout NCM where Lilah and Rob’s relationship is concerned. It is introduced in the first novel and is continued throughout each of their storylines. I have heard some complaints, such as, “Lilah doesn’t need to be a dominatrix to be able to control her team” or something along those lines. I think these individuals are missing the point. Lilah is a strong, independent woman. The fact that she happens to be a dominatrix is neither here nor there. The reason that she is able to be a successful and competent domme is the same reason she is able to be a successful and competent leader — she has a commanding but empathetic presence; she is good at reading people; she is intelligent; and she takes no shit from anyone. That isn’t to say that she wouldn’t be just as successful a leader if she had not chosen to become a dominatrix. These two things are mutually exclusive — to a point. The tactics she has learned in both lines of work have surely involved overlap. But just because Lilah Matthews is a dominatrix does not mean that is why she is Supervisory Special Agent over the violent crimes unit. That has never been my intention.

So for those of you who are new to some of the terms that are used regarding this lifestyle, how about I give a quick crash course? I’d hate to think your whole knowledge of BDSM might come from Fifty Shades of Grey. That just makes me sad and weep for the future (…I do not like Fifty Shades, if you had not gotten the gist).

The definitions given are in very simple terms. The truth is much more complex, but this is just in the interest of basic explanations. If anyone is ever interested in a more in-depth post, I will gladly do so.

Bondage – the act of physical restraint or immobilizing someone — tying them up, handcuffing them, etc.
Discipline – in essence, punishment. This could be physical punishment (spanking, whipping, etc.) or psychological punishment (e.g., humiliation).
Dominance – to dominant someone; this individual is often called a dominant or dom/domme. A dominatrix is a female dominant who is typically for hire
Submission – to submit to someone else; this individual is often called a submissive or sub
Sadism – to derive pleasure from inflicting pain on others
Masochism – to derive pleasure from having pain inflicted upon you

Some good resource websites:
NOTE: due to some of the graphics and images, some of these sites are NSFW, and are intended for individuals 18+.
http://clarissethorn.com/bdsm-resources/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
https://bdsmfordummies.wordpress.com

Lilah is a sadist and a domme. She has been a dominatrix in the past, but since she’s been in Cleveland she has not had any client. Rob does not exactly count. Their relationship started off with more of a discipline aspect, with her even being his disciplinarian for a brief period of time. As their relationship has progressed, it has turned into much more of a D/s, or dominant/submissive, relationship. Rob has started discovering that he’s a masochist and being a sub has actually made him a better person. This has led to growth between the two characters and made their relationship blossom.

I am an erotica writer. I have been writing erotica for two or three years now. I enjoy writing about Lilah and Rob because it’s so normal; it ISN’T erotica. This is their lifestyle; this is who they are. If Rob is stressed, this is how he gets release. If he screws up, this is how he is held accountable. There’s pleasure and pain in it that seems like it shouldn’t belong in mainstream fiction; it seems as though this should be an erotica story because this breaks our idea of social norms. But why? These things happen. There are every day “normal” people walking around holding hands in the supermarket who are going to go home and engage in BDSM activity. Just because you think it only exists in porn and erotic stories does not mean that it isn’t happening in your neighborhood. It is a normal lifestyle, and that’s how I want to portray it.

The D/s relationship between Rob and Lilah is not going away any time soon. It will continue to evolve and expand and it will forever be a part of who

The challenge…

Back in November, I took the challenge — any writer knows what I am talking about. I did NaNoWriMo 2011. For those of you who aren’t familiar, NoNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month, an annual writing campaign that was started back in 2001. It challenges writers to write 50,000 words in the 30 days of November. I was in the midst of my first semester of college when November crept up on me. I had planned on fleshing out some sort of outline for something completely fresh and new. That didn’t happen. Instead, I freestyle wrote 50,000 words based around the North Coast Mystery characters. I did finish, by the way. I completed the 50,000-some odd words in the 30 days, with a couple of days to spare, if I remember correctly. It was rough. I normally have an outline when I write, something to keep me organized and on-track with my ideas. This was a very different type of NCM story whereas there was not an investigation at the forefront of the story but rather it was the subplot. I had a basic idea of what I wanted to do when I started, although unsure of whether or not I could pull it off. What followed was an extremely intense 50,000 words with some pretty brutal scenes that are gut-wrenching for even me to read back through. The jest of the story is Rob gets injured on the job and winds up in a coma and in his mind he wanders through his memories. We know from Rob himself that not all his memories are pleasant. There are some nice ones but then as time goes on, they aren’t so pleasant anymore. The short story I posted a while back that I used for my English assignment was an extended scene from that novel. I think the stuff with Rob’s mom was particularly difficult to write, partially because I’ve always kept everything blurry even in my own mind about what exactly went on during that period. Not anymore.
The “walk through your dreams” part isn’t the only plot line of the book. That would be a very long and tedious 50,000 words. It consumes about maybe 15,000 words or so. The real challenge comes when Rob wakes up with amnesia.
It’s a very good story. I’m pretty proud of how it turned out and how well organized it was for having no outline whatsoever and making everything up as I went along. There were some very good scenes, both present and past, that I wrote. What I have not decided however is whether or not this story will ever see the light of day. Part of me thinks that if I polished it up, it would make a fantastic novel, several stories in the future (we’re talking like the 11th or 12th in the series here, folks). But I haven’t decided yet. As I said, it’s pretty brutal. It’s very honest and very realistic in its portrayal of a grieving, mentally unstable alcoholic told from the point of view of the teenage boy having to live with her and keep everything together. One line from the book that perfectly summed it all up was what Lilah told Russ when he asked what she thought happened back then, “I think that your mom wasn’t strong enough to hold it together and that everything fell to Rob to do and he had no choice but to be strong and hold it together. And after so many years of having to do that…it affected him on levels that will never get completely better.”

You only seem to listen when I’ve got you flat on your back…

I have been trying to get over a pretty wicked sinus infection and ear infection the past week. I missed work all weekend and have spent the majority of my time sleeping. I have a deadline looming for a short story I’m writing for someone, not to mention my justice studies exam is due on Tuesday. I am finally starting to feel a little better, although the dizziness from my equilibrium being off-rack is still hard to deal with.
So I have unfortunately not been able to touch the 2nd novel in a couple of weeks now. I am hoping to get the editing finished while I’m on spring break. I know that I will be able to publish it on CreateSpace (the paperback version) because it will only cost me the proof ($5.50), but I’m not sure if I will be able to do the ebook right away because it costs more to do that. If I’m daring enough, maybe I will edit it up for Kindle myself and put it on there, since it is free. We’ll see how daring I’m feeling when the time comes. 🙂 I am hoping to get 2 through 4 edited up and published before August and get the 5th novella published in time for Christmas, because it is the Christmas story I wrote for my mother-in-law a couple years back. I am not sure how up to it I am. It will depend on how busy my three psychology classes keep me this summer.
But that is the game plan. Anyway, enough about all that and onto my blog topic!
There is a distinct difference between the relationship between Rob and Lilah and the relationship between Luke and Stevie. I would highly recommend that you not read this if you haven’t read Echo of Silence yet and don’t want anything spoiled, as a key plot point will be discussed in this blog post. I will attempt to discuss Stevie and Luke in a way that won’t spoil anything major but rather should pique interest instead.
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First, let’s talk about the girls. Lilah is a dominatrix. Even without the profession, she is a tough, no-nonsense, independent, dominant woman who will take crap from no one. She is leadership material in every sense of the word. She has quickly gained a foothold on the supervisor ladder and the chances of her making it to D.C. in the next five years or so is a very high possibility. She isn’t very maternal; she has no children and doesn’t seem to really care much for children in the strictest sense of the word. She is very work-oriented. She has a lot of high end furniture and art and a very large, elaborate home that is supplied by the money she earned as a dominatrix in New York City.
Stevie is more like the average woman. She’s feisty and has a tough side but for the most part she would just like a guy to sweep her off her feet and take care of her. She would never say that out loud because she likes to pretend that she’s independent and pro-feminist but she doesn’t really like being independent. She wants someone to fall asleep at night with. She is as far from dominant as you can get. And while she is capable of holding her own in a fight — she’s a black-belt in Tao Kwon Doe, — she is more a lover than a fighter. She finds herself turning into a gigantic pile of mush whenever she is around Luke. She is maternal and caring. She has three children and she’s a mother first and foremost. She controls a lot in her life with the kids and she just likes being able to drop her guard and have someone else be the one calling the shots once in a while. She is in many ways the exact opposite of Lilah without being a quiet wallflower. She has a mouth, she’s ornery, and she and Luke argue quite a lot. But she is not going to be taking control in a dominating way any time soon.
Now onto the boys. Rob is described the best by Lilah in the 3rd novel. “He isn’t submissive, but he isn’t dominant. He sits right in the middle and he’s comfortable there.” That is probably the best, most true explanation of Rob’s personality that I could possibly give. Regardless to the fact that he submits to Lilah, he does not have a submissive personality. He is not a submissive person, but he isn’t a dominant person either. He is willing to take charge and do whatever it takes to get things done, but that’s about where the dominance ends. He is probably very average in many ways if you stripped away all the underlying issues. It is one of the things that Lilah likes about him. He is very different than the types of guys that she’s used to and it is refreshing to her to have someone who will argue with her — even if he does drive her up a wall most of the time.
Luke is everything Rob is not and he even says that in the first story. Rob says that he messed up everything he touches, whereas everything Luke touches turns to gold. That may be an over exaggeration, but probably not by much. Luke is another character who is one of the original characters. His character has evolved A LOT over the years. He started out as a minor character I didn’t give much thought to. Then I decided I wanted to give him a personality. I often joke that I made Luke as my dream guy and that somehow I wound up marrying Rob. My husband reminds me of Rob in so many ways it is rather amusing. But Luke is definitely all the things that I like in a guy. He’s charming, confident, charismatic, patient, authoritative without being bossy (usually), intelligent (he has a PhD in psychology, for God’s sake), well-traveled, a gentleman, respectful…I could probably go on and on. He’s a pretty damn awesome guy, let’s put it that way.
The decision to make Luke and Stevie attracted to one another was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. They play off each other so well. It is hard to imagine chemistry when it comes to writing because you would think that you create chemistry and it happens regardless depending on how you write. But that isn’t always so. Written characters can take on a life of their own with their own explosive chemistry. Luke and Stevie have that. They argue, they bicker, they fuel a fire in each other that makes the pages melt. Luke finds Stevie very intriguing in that she challenges him and keeps him on his toes and half the time he wants to throttle her, but he’s also so sexually attracted to her he can barely keep his hands off her. She’s very damaged in ways that he has a hard time with but that he’s willing to work with. She likes that about him but it also scares her. She likes the idea of having a purely sexual relationship with him but the thought of it ever becoming something more scares her because she has had a traumatic past that she desperately doesn’t want to repeat.
Chemistry isn’t just something the author makes up. To me it is something that happens naturally without the author even trying. Luke and Stevie have chemistry, Rob and Lilah have chemistry…these are not things I am orchestrating with a great deal of difficulty. It happens naturally because these characters work well together. When I write them, they flow easily and their words come naturally to me. The only thing I normally spend time planning painstakingly is the investigations. Everything else comes easy because these characters have gained their own life form on my computer screen.
In the short stories that spawned the North Coast Mystery series, once I created Lilah, I knew that I wanted her and Rob to end up together in some sense of the term. Once I really developed these characters into who they are today, the chemistry was undeniable. They played off each other so well and made each other such a better person. Rob was a little too wild for his own good and Lilah didn’t exactly know how to relax and have fun occasionally. Rob brings out the fun side in Lilah and she is able to calm him down to a manageable state. It’s a perfect combination and one can only imagine the things these two could do together…if they weren’t boss and employee, naturally. 😉
Title today compliments of Selling My Soul by Hey Monea!

The road to publication is paved in molten lava.

A friend of mine started writing a blog highlighting her progress with her novel. I decided it would be a really great idea for me to start writing a blog about my novel considering it’s being published. It will give me a great way to keep in touch with fans — provided I end up having any, that is. haha.

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. I recall picking up a pen and writing in notebooks when I was just seven years old. You can imagine how terrible those stories must have been, but it was the beginning of a lifelong passion. The older I got, the more intense that passion grew. When I was eleven, we got our first computer and the internet shortly after that. Life was never the same after that. I started writing stories with a friend in chatrooms. We created characters. Many of these characters lost steam and we have long forgotten about them; a few prevailed. As we got older, these characters grew with us. These handful of characters evolved and I started writing novels about them. They became my babies. I feel a strong, deep connection to these “people.” I’ve been writing some of these characters since 1997. Even the newest ones, since 2002 or so.

The first novel I wrote was 160,000 words of complete and total crap. I’m ashamed to admit that I attempted to send out query letters and get it published. Needless to say, nobody was biting. Once I took a good hard look at the novel and realized that everything they said was right, I knew it was time to revamp. So I broke the story in two. The first story, Echo of Silence, has gone through many title changes and numerous tweaks but the heart and soul of it has never changed. It’s told from the first person point of view of Rob Karlton, a brilliant but reckless FBI agent with the Cleveland division of the violent crimes unit who has a tendency to stick his foot in his mouth 90% of the time. Did I mention he’s kind of a smart ass? And chauvinistic? And a manwhore? And oh yeah, pretty much a total asshole? He’s definitely an anti-hero with more flaws than you can ever imagine. But for whatever reason you just can’t help but love him.

While Rob is the main character, the novel would be nothing without the deuteragonist — Lilah Matthews. She’s the violent crimes unit’s new supervisor and she takes shit from no one. She’s tough, strict, and not the least bit impressed by Rob’s charm. She sees right through his BS and cuts straight to the point every time. He’s not thrilled with the idea of having a female boss — he’s doubly not thrilled that she’s calling him out on things left and right.
These two characters, along with the supporting characters Luke and Jason who are Rob’s co-workers and friends, have been around for a very, very long time. I’ve written well over 600 short stories, most of them involving these characters.

So many female authors say they refuse to write from a guy’s point of view. They say they can’t get inside of a man’s head or they just don’t want to. Personally, I found it to be an absolute blast. I feel I was able to portray a guy pretty well. Rob is one of the most screwed up individuals I’ve ever written, but yet he’s my favorite to write. He’s brutally honest, impatient, temperamental, and spends half of his time either drinking or getting laid.
He has his redeeming qualities too. He takes care of his thirteen year old brother and whenever they’re together, you get to see a whole other side to Rob. While he’s never what one can call sappy or sentimental, he loves his brotherly dearly — whether he says it out loud or not.
Lilah is one of my favorite female characters to write. There’s not a lot I can say about Lilah without spoiling some of the story, but I will say this: you will not find a more strong, independent, take no prisoners kind of woman than Lilah Matthews. She proudly wears the title of bitch and she doesn’t really care if you don’t like her. She’s not easily charmed and she isn’t a bit impressed by Rob — which is very bad news for him.

I’ll write more tidbits about the story later. Give ya something to think about until it’s available on Kindle, which should be sometime next week. But for now, I have to work tomorrow morning and I’ve been up since 4:30 this morning, so it’s bedtime for me.

Until next time.